Late Night Snark: Poor Neglected 25th Amendment Edition
“In a psychotic-fans-only video, Trump said that this was a rigged election at the highest level. Dude, you’re the highest level.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“The president has now placed all of his hopes to overturn democracy on the Supreme Court. Specifically, he is joining a lawsuit filed by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton. Let me explain: the Texas attorney general is just carrying water for the president, citing the landmark case of Brown v. Nose.”
“Trump walked out of a Medal of Freedom ceremony in his own house. He’s got the energy of a TJ Maxx employee on his last day.”
“Trump has claimed he has the absolute right to pardon himself—and he has many reasons to want one. If Biden’s DOJ investigates, they’ll have plenty of potential charges to choose from, including obstruction of justice, lying to investigators, and making Scott Baio a thing again.”
“On Sunday Trump announced over Twitter that Rudy Giuliani tested positive for the coronavirus. Rudy was like, ‘How could this happen? All I did was travel around maskless and use whatever I found laying around to wipe my face.’ It gets worse—after his test showed he had Covid, he challenged the results in court and lost.”
“President Trump‘s lawyer Jenna Ellis has reportedly tested positive for the coronavirus. But don’t worry—she’ll still be able to lose cases remotely.”
“The bar [on Staten Island protesting pandemic restrictions], shockingly, is in a neighborhood with the second-highest covid infections in all of New York. The rule is that they’re supposed to let people eat or drink outside, and the owner said no one wants to do that because they’ll go out of business. But the argument that people on Staten Island don’t want to drink outside can be disproven by going to literally any little league game.”
—Pete Davidson, SNL
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 11, 2020
Note: As of this weekend you may now officially start walking in a winter wonderland. Wear sturdy shoes, always pass slower walkers on the left, and watch out for Parson Brown and his “grabby hands.” —Dept. of Public Safety
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the electors cast their votes for president: 3
Percent of registered voters polled by PBS/NPR/Marist who said in August and this month, respectively, that they plan to get the coronavirus vaccine: 49%, 61%
Number of organizations designated as hate groups by the Southern Poverty Law Center that received over $4 million in pandemic relief from your tax dollars: 14
Rank of Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, and Denver among U.S. cities that swung hardest against Trump in the 2020 election, according to The New York Times (Portland, Maine ranked #6): #1, #2, #3
Date of the “eggnog riot,” when West Point cadets (including Jefferson Davis) got drunk on spiked eggnog made with smuggled whiskey and rioted until Christmas: 12/24/1826
Year Christmas became an official holiday, delayed in part because of the fallout from the eggnog riot: 1870
Rank of John Williams and the Vienna Philharmonic among top-selling orchestral albums of 2020, with 100,000 CDs and 150 million streams sold: #1
Puppy Pic of the Day: “One giant leap for puppykind…”
CHEERS to what should be the most boring story of the day, but because it involves Republicans at the state and federal level—including106 Republican congressmen and the governments of 17 red states—staging a coup to overturn the results of the 2020 election that was conducted by the American people with amazing patriotism, honesty, and solemnity, all because the racist do-nothings want the executive branch to become a permanent GOP majority dictatorship, it’s actually one of the most important stories ever in the history of our republic: The Supreme Court told Donald Trump and his red-hatted cultists to go f*ck themselves this evening. They did it while tap dancing with sparklers, we’re told. Did not see that coming.
CHEERS to Seal Team 6 for your immune system. Roll up your sleeves, splashers. It’s official: an FDA panel of hamsters standing on each other’s shoulders under lab coats gave the okeley-dokeley to the Pfizer (which my local TV news station helpfully spelled “Phizer”) coronavirus vaccine:
The vote Thursday afternoon was split 17 in favor of the authorization, four against, with one person abstaining from the vote.
The United States would be the fourth country to move forward with Pfizer’s vaccine. Canada approved the vaccine Wednesday, and the United Kingdom began administering the shots this week. Bahrain has also granted access to the vaccine.
Data so far indicate the vaccine is safe and 95 percent effective across a variety of age and racial groups and ethnicities, when given in two doses, about three weeks apart.
The Trump administration has promised that it will do everything it can possibly think of to help. The states say they expect the rollout will be handled competently anyway.
JEERS to premature cut-offiness. Thanks to the truncated (“Trumpcated?”) enrollment period, next Tuesday is, for most states, the last day to sign up for a 2021 Obamacare health plan in time to start coverage on January 1st. Here, let me hit you over the head one more time with a flashy graphic I paid one million dollars to commission (rest assured the electricity is provided in an environmentally-friendly way, with 20% solar, 30% wind, 25% geothermal, and 25% used cooking grease):
I’ll be sticking with a basic silver plan, but after consulting with my death panel I decided to add the hospice stripper option. It costs a few bucks extra. But if I ever need it, they’ll let me pay my monthly premium by slipping dollar bills into their g-strings. What a way to go.
CHEERS to Menorah palooza. This weekend will be one of dread in my neck of the woods, as I become what my neighbors fear most: an Episcopalian brandishing a dreidel and a platter of my homemade latkes topped with fresh fire extinguisher foam. So far I’ve taken out six windows, two lampposts and a hedge with the former, and made the old lady down the street tap into her supplemental dental insurance with the latter. We trust things are a little more peaceful where you are since the Jewish counterpart to Christmas started yesterday at sundown. Which reminds me…
It was just before Hanukkah and Miriam was giving directions to her grown-up grandson, who was coming to visit for the first time since she’d moved to her new apartment.
“Come to the front door, “Miriam said. “There’s a panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 3A and I’ll buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on your right. Get in the elevator and user your elbow to press the third-floor button. When you get out, my apartment is on the left. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I’ll open the door for you.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy,” said the grandson. “But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
Replied Miriam: “You’re coming to visit empty handed?”
Happy Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah, and Xanuka!!! Or, in the immortal words of thankfully-former Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: “Molotov!”
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to the Crossroads of America. Happy birthday to the home of 6.7 million clean-cut, “basketball ring”-dunking patriots in the heartland.
On December 11, 1816, Indiana (or as we say in Maine: “Indianer”) became our nation’s 19th state. I grew up next door in Ohio, so naturally I’m legally obliged to look down my designer reading glasses at you “Hoosier types” because I’ve been indoctrinated to believe that your corn is inferior and you stole our state bird, the cardinal. (I still say the Buckeye State should build a big, beautiful border wall and make Kentucky pay for it.) But I’ll give you this: any state that produces David Letterman (Indianapolis), Eugene V. Debs (Terre Haute), Kurt Vonnegut (also Indy), Larry Bird (West Baden Springs), Florence Henderson (Dale), and all these other VIPs can’t be all bad. (Neither, apparently, is the new Indiana-based Meryl Streep movie The Prom which opens today.) But we do have three somber words for the folks in Columbus, where Mike Pence cultivated his lifelong obsession with Puritanism as a lad: thoughts and prayers.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Sure, the world’s crumbling around us…but at least we’ve got the magic talking picture box to make things better, so cheer up, Bucky.
The evening starts out the usual way, with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow unwrapping the latest presents from Trump World and Pandemic Town. Dolly Parton and Stephen Fry are among the guests on The Graham Norton Show at 11 (BBC America).
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, while the the annual championship game of Major League Soccer, the Hairy Legs Cup, airs tomorrow night at 8:30 on Fox. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, based on the song about how people can be total dicks to you until they need something, gets its annual airing tomorrow night at 8 on CBS, followed by the Rankin/Bass production of Frosty. Hummel-come-to-life Timothée Chalamet (“Dune,” “Call Me By Your Name Unless Your Name Happens To Be Snorknork”) hosts SNL with musical guest Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.
An L.A. hospital that became too big to fail and Saudi citizens who do crimes here but flee the country before their trial go under the spotlight on 60 Minutes. On The Simpsons, a cable-channel crew films a Christmas movie in Springfield, while Lois walks out when the family fails to help with the Christmas chores on Family Guy.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE) and Lamar Alexander (Trump cult-TN); NIH director Francis Collins.
This Week: FDA commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn; Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ); Walgreens Senior Vice President of Vaccine Dispensing Rick gates.
Face the Nation: HHS Secretary Alex Azar; incoming Senior Adviser to President-Elect Joe Biden Rep. Cedric Richmond; Hackensack Meridian Health CEO Robert Garrett; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb.
CNN’s State of the Union: Stacey Abrams; Sen. Bill Cassidy (Trump Cult-LA); Bill Gates; FDA commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV); Scumbag Rep. Steve Scalise (Trump Cult-LA); White House vaccine coordinator Moncef Slaoui.
Ten years ago in C&J: December 11, 2010
CHEERS to parting fools from their money. Bank of America has agreed to pay a $137 million fine:
“The conduct was egregious—in return for business, the company repeatedly paid undisclosed gratuitous payments and kickbacks and affirmatively misrepresented that the bidding process was proper,” said Robert Khuzami, SEC director of enforcement.
In response, Bank of America issued a brief statement: “We hope you don’t mind if we pay our fine with loose change. We prefer to save our paper money for lighting cigars.”
And just one more…
CHEERS to nature’s fabulous light show. If you’re up late this weekend and you have a desire to feel small and insignificant, here’s something you’ll love: the Geminid meteor shower is putting on a show…
The Geminid meteor shower—always a highlight of the meteor year—is expected to peak in 2020 on the night of December 13-14 (Sunday evening until dawn Monday). You might see a decent spattering of meteors on the preceding nights (December 11-12 and December 12-13) as well.
The Geminids are a very reliable shower if you watch at the peak time of night (centered on about 2 a.m. for all parts of the globe) and if you watch in a dark sky. The meteors tend to be bold, white and quick. This shower favors Earth’s Northern Hemisphere, but it’s visible from the Southern Hemisphere, too. […]
On a dark night, near the peak, you can often catch 50 or more meteors per hour. The bright moonlight is sure to diminish the numbers this year, but some Geminids should be bright enough to overcome the moonlit glare.
They say you’ll need twenty minutes or so of staring into total darkness before your eyes get properly adjusted. Or, to speed up the process, you can just spend 30 seconds staring into Stephen Miller’s soul.
Have a great weekend. Be sure to get plenty of sleep so you’ll be well-rested for Monday’s big event: the electoral college ceremoniously tosses Trump’s carcass in a dumpster behind the Capitol and sets it on fire. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?