Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday


Others on his list:

“I can’t breathe.”
—George Floyd’s plea to the cop who killed him on May 25

“One day—it’s like a miracle—it will disappear.”
—President Trump, referring to the coronavirus, on February 27

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“Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking.”
—My favorite quote from the Harris-Pence debate should’ve made Mr. Shapiro’s list.

“I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute, one minute. And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside or almost a cleaning?”
Trump, at a White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing on April 23

“The science should not stand in the way of this.”
—White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, referring to school reopenings, on July 16

“You’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier.”
—Joe Biden at a campaign event in New Hampshire on
 Feb. 9

I don’t know exactly what 2021 will bring, but I’ll take a wild guess and say it’ll be loud and obnoxious. This is, after all, America. Our colors may not run, but our mouths sure do.

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 9, 202

Note: Due to the ramp-up of C&J’s new eggnog fracking operation, you may experience mild earthquakes through December 25th.  Plus eggnog will likely start oozing from your taps like lava down a Hawaiian hillside.  We assure you it’s all perfectly safe to drink until you hear otherwise from an authorized emergency room stomach-pumping attendant in the process of reviving you. Thank you.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

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Hang in there. Just six more weeks.

Weeks ’til inauguration day: 6

Number of black women who will have run a major cable news network after Rashida Jones takes the reins from MSNBC’s Phil Griffin next month: 1

Minimum number of people in Trump‘s immediate orbit who have tested positive for the coronavirus, including anti-masker lawyers Rudy Giuliani and Jenna Ellis: 54

Minimum number of songs in Bob Dylan’s catalog that he just sold to Universal Music, at an estimated worth of $300 million: 600

The last time a defeated president refused to attend his successor’s inauguration: 1869

Number of presidents who never ran for president: 4 (Tyler, Fillmore, A. Johnson, Arthur)

Percent chance, according to his wife, that former Alabama state Senator Larry Dixon’s last words before dying of complications from the coronavirus were, “We messed up, we let our guard down. Please tell everybody to be careful. This is real, and if you get diagnosed, get help immediately”: 100%

Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 3 climate calamities and 1 Galactic Space Invader Federation watching our every move).  Soul Protection Factor 46 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

Puppy Pic of the Day: Now with bonus bunny and monkey…

CHEERS to the beginning of the end. At long last, after months of (clinical) trial and error, the first Covid-19 vaccine dose was injected into the arm of Patient #1 yesterday. And the name that will live in whatever the opposite of infamy is, is…

…Margaret Keenan, 90.

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The new Sheriff of Covid City has arrived.

It was a landmark moment in the global fight against the most destructive pandemic in 100 years. In approving and delivering the BioNTech-Pfizer vaccine, Britain is forging a path that will likely be followed by the United  States and Europe in the coming weeks.

“I feel so privileged to be the first person vaccinated against Covid-19,” said Keenan, who was given the vaccine at University Hospital in Coventry, a city northwest of London. For all the buildup, it was a shot like any other. Nurse May Parsons asked Keenan to “relax your arm for me,” before inserting the needle and finishing with a reassuring but routine “all done.” Then came the volley of camera flashes and applause.

Sadly, moments after receiving the vaccine she got backed over by a bus driven by giant marauding mutant coronavirus thugs with blocks of wood taped to their feet so they could reach the gas pedal. Back to the drawing board, Pfizer.

CHEERS to America‘s new guy in charge of killing people and breaking stuff. President-elect Biden has nominated General Lloyd Austin to be our next Secretary of the Department of Losers and Suckers, including our glorious and mighty planet-conquering Space Force. Here are some of the particulars on the retired 4-star general who, if confirmed, will become our first Black Pentagon chief:

 Born August 8, 1953 in Mobile, Alabama

Raised in Thomasville, Georgia

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Vice president Biden with General Austin (c) in 2011.

West Point grad

The medals on his chest weigh 6.2 pounds

Oversaw the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq in 2011

Vice Chief of Staff to the U.S. Army

Commander of CENTCOM

Worked to increase awareness and treatment of PTSD and traumatic brain injuries

 Retired with 4 stars on his epaulets in 2016

Can land jets up to the size of an F-16 on his shoulders

Some folks have expressed concern that the Defense Department should be led by a civilian, as opposed to a military guy who retired a mere 4 years ago. I can assure you he’ll be fine. He’s a Leo. We’re perfect.

CHEERS to the #1 cause of hairy palms and sudden blindness.  On this date in 1994 Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders—who, at 85, is still active at the University  of Arkansas for Medical Sciences—got triangulated out of her job by President Bill Clinton.  Her offense: having the gall to suggest that teaching kids about masturbation might help prevent the spread of AIDS.

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Firing her was not one of Bill Clinton’s finest moments.

“Education, education, education,” she said.  “The only way we are going to get around this disease is with education. We have no vaccine, we have no magic drug. All we’ve got is education.”  Clinton should’ve let her stay. He might’ve learned that playing with yourself prevents something else: impeachment.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

JEERS to Lone Star loons. Well, ain’t this just sweeter than the aroma of fracking fluid wafting over Sugar Land on a hot summer day? Yesterday the Attorney General of Texas, Ken Paxton, decided to offer a bit of friendly assistance to the fine but clearly-misguided folks in Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Georgia by whipping up a right-neighborly little lawsuit with the goal of getting the Supreme Court to see the light and unilaterally overturn the election results…for the good of the country, you understand, only for the good of the country. And the response was enough to make ya wanna pop the top on a Shiner Bock and boot-scoot-boogie the night away:

“A publicity stunt, not a serious legal pleading. … The erosion of confidence in our democratic system isn’t attributable to the good people of Michigan, Wisconsin, Georgia or Pennsylvania but rather to partisan officials, like Mr. Paxton, who place loyalty to a person over loyalty to their country.”

Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel

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Paxton’s lawsuit was delivered via courier tumbleweed.

“I feel sorry for Texans that their tax dollars are being wasted on such a genuinely embarrassing lawsuit. The Wisconsin Department of Justice will defend against this attack on our democracy.”

Wisconsin Attorney General Josh Kaul

“False and irresponsible.”

Georgia Deputy Secretary of State Jordan Fuchs

“These continued attacks on our fair and free election system are beyond meritless, beyond reckless—they are a scheme by the President of the United States and some in the Republican party to disregard the will of the people and name their own victors.

Pennsylvania AG Josh Shapiro

Translation in language Ken Paxton can understand: if brains were leather he couldn’t saddle a flea.

JEERS to compassionate conservabuttheads.  As income inequality unnecessarily continues squeezing more and more Americans (even those with full-time jobs) through the holes in the safety net, we’re reminded that on December 9, 1983, Attorney General Ed Meese—still taking up space above ground at 89—claimed that people go to soup kitchens “because food is free and that’s easier than paying for it.” Could Reagan pick ’em or could Reagan pick ’em?

Ten years ago in C&J: December 9, 2010

CHEERS to payment in full???  The AIG debacle will always be the ugly tarnished jewel in the crown of the 2008 Wall Street collapse.  But at least We The Taxpayers appear to be getting our money back:

The company said in a regulatory filing that it will use profits from the recent sale of American Life Insurance, as well as from its October public offering of Asia-based AIA Group, to satisfy the balance of the emergency loan that saved AIG in late 2008. … Earlier this week, the Treasury moved to sell its remaining 2.4 billion shares in Citigroup, a deal that largely ends the government stake in that company and will result in a $12 billion profit.

AIG vowed to never make the same mistakes again that almost plunged the nation into a second Great Depression.  The CEO says they’ll do it instead by making a bunch of totally different mistakes.

And just one more…

CHEERS to a peace-full moment. We’ll be doing our special anniversary edition (#17) of C&J tomorrow, so we’ll say this a day early: congrats this year’s Nobel Peace Prize winner, the World Food Programme, which will receive its award in Rome, with a concurrent livestreamed ceremony in Oslo, Norway:

The need for international solidarity and multilateral cooperation is more conspicuous than ever. The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided to award the Nobel Peace Prize for 2020 to the World Food Programme (WFP) for its efforts to combat hunger, for its contribution to bettering conditions for peace in conflict-affected areas and for acting as a driving force in efforts to prevent the use of hunger as a weapon of war and conflict.

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The World Food Programme is the world’s largest humanitarian organisation addressing hunger and promoting food security. In 2019, the WFP provided assistance to close to 100 million people in 88 countries who are victims of acute food insecurity and hunger. In 2015, eradicating hunger was adopted as one of the UN’s Sustainable Development Goals. The WFP is the UN’s primary instrument for realizing this goal. In recent years, the situation has taken a negative turn. In 2019, 135 million people suffered from acute hunger, the highest number in many years. Most of the increase was caused by war and armed conflict.

They’ll receive their Nobel Peace Prize on International Human Rights Day, which will pass the usual way: plenty of humans but not enough rights.

Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

“I am pleased to announce the completion of a Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool on the White House grounds. It is my hope that this private space will function as both a place of leisure and gathering for future First Families.”

Melania Antoinette 





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